Good -vs- Dad

My first husband and I split in 2008. Just two short years after we got married. I can’t say it was a happy marriage. I don’t even think we were ever really in love. We just sort of tolerated each other.
We met in 2003/2004 and were married in June of 2006. Our daughter was born Nov. 2006. “We” were forced to move in with his dad January of 2007 because Tony FORGOT to pay $525 rent. The managers refused to accept it late and we moved without being evicted. Two weeks into staying with this father, his mother said I could no longer stay; she didn’t live there, she just didn’t want me there.
By this time, Tony started working as a cop in Brawley, CA. So from Jan 2007-Jan 2008 the kids and I stayed at my moms and Tony would come home, if and when, he got a few consecutive days off. I spent my first anniversary with my friends from culinary school, in my mothers living room, drinking wine and watching tv.
In Jan 2008 my husband “failed to meet the terms of his probationary period” and he was released. So he too moved into my moms’ house. A LOT of things happened during this time and by Oct. 2008, I had had enough and I asked him, very politely, to pack his things. I had to free myself.
He took his clothes, his son and my car.
*At the time, I don’t think I was working full time and he had his own car*

So naturally, I am very confused as to why now, in 2017, (this started in 2015) am I getting all the extra drama. I try to explain to him that I hold no grudges against him and in my eyes, we are good but boy oh boy does he fight me every day. Or at least try to.
I won’t lie, before medicated meditation, he used to push my buttons to the point where I would be crying and doubting myself. He knew exactly how to manipulate my emotions.

Once I was able to slow down my thoughts and really think things out, I was able to see clearly the entire situation.  He was bringing me down to his level and then beating me with experience. So I had to rise above.
Which, you guessed it, pissed him off even more. Meanwhile, my daughter can’t understand why her father is acting this way and I just lowkey wanna go back to the way things were between him and me.
What changed? ME!
I honestly had little to no drama with him for YEARS. If he’d get mad, he’d disappear. He knew I’d need him before he needed me and he treated us as such. I promise I am the only thing that changed. I grew up. I filed for child support. I filed for child support because I was tired of being talked down to every time I asked him for money to help out with our daughter. He’d give it to me, but never without issue. I THOUGHT it would be easier, just a steady payment each month $230, nope….it’s a fight.
Now he’s not taking her to school on the days he is supposed to. Now he won’t even come to the front door when he picks her up, he texts when he is outside. He won’t take her to the dentist, he won’t pay cell phone bill, won’t add storage to the phone. He has even gone so far as to say my parents can’t pick her up from his house when they have been doing it for almost two years. I keep trying to explain to him that all he is doing is affecting our daughter but he is content in knowing that for just a moment he has inconvenienced me.
He could literally be the hero in his own story yet he chooses to be the villain.

Meanwhile, I have to protect my daughter from the person who used to be my partner. Unfortunately, he knows all my all my weaknesses. But he underestimates my strengths.

For those of you fighting the good fight for your children…..KEEP FIGHTING!!!

My battle is by no means over, in fact, we go BACK to court in December. But I do know, that when you are right, you are right. I am not rude, I do not hold her from him, I let him act how he acts and I will continue to “do me”. If you are putting your kids first, then it will all work out in the end!

The Goal

 

Time: 11:33am
Sativa Strain: Jilly Bean
Crystals: Amethyst, Rose Quartz, and Black Tourmaline
Meditation Music: “Brain Food” on Spotify
Breakfast: 8oz of Monster and some Little Debbies Chocolate Donuts

 

 I am going to live in a bus.

In the summer of 2018, we are going to live in a converted school bus. The goal: Take four weeks and see as much as I can, without having to rush. That will be just the beginning. Over the next few years, we plan on spending as much time on the road as possible, eventually transitioning to full-time nomads.

 

“The 99 Bus”

“The 99 Bus”  is going to be a 56 or 77 passenger school bus. When finished it will be, most likely be painted white on the outside with a white and natural wood interior.  ‘The 99 Bus’ will be fully equipt with a kitchen with a stove/oven, bathroom with a tub/shower, composting toilet and washer/dryer. We will have a “living room” with a wood-burning oven, 6 bunks for the kids and a bedroom in the back. We will have bikes and canoes, hammocks and beach chairs. And it will all run on solar power and love. LOL

I believe in my abilities to make it happen. I believe in Gregs’ abilities to make it happen.

The next goal will be is to spend at least five years on the road. We will spend two years here, in America and then 3 years overseas; anywhere overseas. Everywhere overseas. We do not want to rush. We will spend months in some places. It is possible five years could turn into seven. We are going to stick it out through the toughest times, the roughest Walmart parking lots and even the zombie apocalypse.
We want to show the kids something different. Show them some of the places they have learned about and will learn about.
The memories alone are worth it.

It’s going to happen.

 

I know this is not happening overnight. Truth is, I don’t want it to. I don’t want it to take 20 years, but I am looking forward to the 2 – 3 years it’s going to take until it ready.

#MeToo

 

Now, I don’t tweet, BUT a few days ago, when I logged into Facebook #METOO was the first thing I saw on my timeline. I found out that Actress Alyssa Milano tweeted, “If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted, write ‘Me too’ as a reply to this tweet. If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give men a sense of the magnitude of the problem. #MeToo”
The #MeToo movement started in 1996 by Tarana Burke after she missed an opportunity to properly help a young woman who had opened up to her about being abused.

And then, I changed my status to, #MeToo.
“Oh shit, I did it.”, I thought to myself. It was out there. I felt naked….again. I even thought about deleting it. Then I thought about blocking people from seeing it so that they wouldn’t judge me. I didn’t want people to think too that I was just bandwagoning another trend. What happened to me was something only very few people know about but sometimes, I  felt as though everyone could see on me.
With #MeToo, it was almost a way of letting go of something that was weighing me down.  The best part about it was that I didn’t have to explain my situation.
I had forgiven the dude a long time ago, in fact, I forgave him before I forgave myself. Crazy, huh? But hopefully, now I will be able to take another step forward into learning my strengths and loving myself.

So. I had a bad day.

I don’t even know where to start.

I don’t know how it started. I, uh, I had a bad day. Life, as it so frequently does, smacked me in the face.
I, uh, dropped a ball. I lost focus, dropped a ball and lost my shit! Again!!!! It’s too much, I got too much going on.

I expected to have a certain amount of money by the end of the month and I didn’t have it. I missed something somewhere, I don’t know. I got sick, I got comfortable,  I don’t know. But what I do know is this, this only happens when I relax and enjoy life. If I am uptight,  I pay close attention to everything. The moment I feel like, okay, cool, I got this, I miss something and lose my shit.

I had a dope conversation with a girl I met on facebook and she helped me to focus and breathe. OMG! I then ordered some weed and smoked and was able to focus. Now I have to pick up the pieces.
But I am focused. So I can.
Thank you to everyone who reached out! YOU WOMEN ARE FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!

As for the weed I scmoked…… it was Sour Diesel, a sativa.
Had it delievered from ABC delivery in Long Beach!

And the crystal energy I used today.

Carnelian. – Helps with feelings of depression. It can be used to release you from the past. It clears fears and helps reduce negative thoughts and anxiety.
Rose Quartz. – Emits a soft, gentle energy full of support and comfort.  It can nurture you when you need it most.  Place it on your Higher Heart Chakra.
Black Tourmaline. (My favorite) – Assists you in staying grounded. Dispells feelings of depression and self-doubt.

All gas. No Brakes.

 

 

I literally put into the universe that I was no longer going to doubt myself last night.
This morning, I was offered an opportunity that I simply cannot pass up! Talk about moving fast.

I ain’t gone lie though, I had a mild panic attack. In fact, my heart still feels like it is about to explode inside my chest as we speak. All the shoulda coulda wouldas are running through. All the reasons why, I should be disappointed in myself, for not being able to just say yes! But I am fighting those. Opportunites are still being offered to me. I am answering inquiries, returning phone calls and promoting upcoming events.

I GOT THIS!!!

I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.

Now usually, I’d smoke a bowl or blunt to ease my nerves but we out AND BROKE. LOL So I am going to have to get thru this sober. This should be interesting.

Harvest Moon

October 5, 2017

Tonight is a full moon. What am I going to let go of?
Most months I just say fear but I feel its too general of a statement. What am I afraid of?

 

I would like to let go of self-doubt.

I find now that I am constantly being told how much people believe in me yet I am not sure I believe in myself. I know I can do it. I know I can run a successful catering business and manage a successful photo studio. I can record awesome b-roll for videos and capture great behind the scene photos. I can make a béchamel, poach eggs, I can flip an omelet and plate food. I can handle a staff, plan a party, host a party. I can, I can, I can…….what I am afraid of is the crash and burn. I can almost equate it to being a pilot who can take off and fly with no problem but oh man, the landing can be something tricky! No doubt we can get to the destination, just not sure if it will be all in one piece. I am not sure when crashing and burning became something I almost expected but I am tired of it. These negative thoughts have taken too many moments from me. I’d like to ‘reclaim my time.

So in this full moon, I would like to release self-doubt. I know I can do this. I know I can take off, fly and land the plane and I am ready!

 

 

I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.

 

Full Moon Letting Go Ritual

You will need:

•A small bowl of water

•1 blue or white candle

•Paper and pen

•Sage or incense for burning

 Find a quiet space, where you cannot be disturbed preferably under the light of the Full Moon (I sit on the balcony)

Use your sage to cleanse yourself, your aura and your area. you can also use incense

Light the candle and give thanks to Mother Moon, have your bowl of water near the candle

Write down on the paper all that no longer serves you or things that you want to release. This could include attitudes, emotions, relationship ties, illness, habits, addictions, etc.

Read what you want to release aloud and take a deep breath, as you exhale imagine whatever you want to let go floating away

Place the paper into the candle (be safe!) and watch it burn. When it becomes too hot to touch, drop it into the water.

Once the paper has become soggy, throw the water and paper into the garden. If your paper doesn’t dissolve you can also throw it away.

Be sure to thank the Moon and the Universe after your ritual is completed

You can change this ritual to suit your needs and your own intuition. There is no right or wrong here, so just go with the flow and see what inspires you.

Because the Full Moon also represents light and potential, you can also charge up your crystals with this vibration as well.

 

Somethings off.

Last Friday, I got a little tingle in my throat. By Saturday morning it was a full on cold, runny nose, congestion, body aches the whole nine. I made my own vics vapor rub (recipe below) for my chest and got some rest. Sunday afternoon, asthma took over. That night I ran out of my inhaler and had zero refills! Talk about bad luck! I reached out to my friends on Facebook and managed to get an inhaler and a ventilator. My dad had some extra liquid albuterol and here I am…..ALIVE!

LOL didn’t  see this in the cards.

I am feeling better today; not quite 100% but I can manage to go to the bathroom without passing out. So I’d say, I’m good!

While sick, I took a Chakra quiz, to find out if I was balanced, of course, I wasn’t!
So now I have to start working on balancing my chakras. HOW????? you ask?  LOL Idk, let’s start with a google search!

 

Guess we will start with the diet!
More yoga, more meditation.
And MORE WEED!!!!

 

DIY Vics Vapor Rub

Here’s What You Need:
3 Tablespoons Coconut Oil
2 Tablespoons Shea Butter
1 Tablespoon Beeswax
10 Drops of Eucalyptus Oil
10 Drops of Peppermint Oil
5 Drops Lavender

Directions:
Melt the Coconut Oil, Shay Butter, and Beeswax completely in a Double Boiler on medium heat.
Remove from heat and let cool for 5 minutes.
Add in Essential Oils and pour into desired jars.
Let cool for 2 hours or overnight.

Cast yourself. You are the spell.

 

I started following the phases of the moon, there are 7 of them.
-New Moon
-Waxing Crescent
-First Quarter
-Waxing Gibbous
-Full Moon
-Waning Gibbous
-Third Quarter
-Waning Crescent

There will be a full moon on this coming Thursday, October 5th. So for the next few days, I will prepare a few things for a full moon ritual.
So what’s a full moon ritual?
It’s like, a physical way of letting something go. Does that make sense?
I found that people use to tell me, “oh just let go of the past and move on. Forgive and forget.”  But that was something that was very hard for me to do. In some cases holding on is okay, memories that make you smile or even cry tears of joy. But I was holding on to fear. And then it became a way to control me, there were some people who knew me well enough to exploit it. Kept me afraid of going outside the parameters of their perceptions of who I should be. I don’t blame them, I did, but I don’t anymore. And for a while, I blamed myself, which is worse but I am learning to forgive myself and holding small intimate full moon rituals has been a great help.

 It’s a way of confirming to myself and the Universe that I am ready to let go of whatever it may be, in order to be ready for the positive changes. Allowing myself to see opportunities in front of me and embrace them as gifts, not things that were sent here to break me.
I will spend the next 4 days, soul-searching. I can’t just say, let go of fear, I have to name it. So I want to make sure that I am letting go of the right things.

9.24.2017

Rise and Grind!

It’s a rare occurrence that we have the house to ourselves for the whole weekend. So Sunday we stayed in bed a little longer. My neighbor had a tooth pulled so she asked me to make her some cannabutter and brownies for the pain (the doctor told her she couldn’t smoke or suck through a straw) and she paid me in weed. LOVE MY NEIGHBORS! I am not sure what strain this is, but we liked it!

Succulent Sunday.

I can’t keep anything green. THANK GOD for cactus and succulents. LOL

I bought a few more succulents to add to my growing garden. I was happy to find out that at Home Depot, you can return a plant, up to a year, if it’s died. I am going to do my best to keep these alive but it’s good to know.

Yoganja!

Today I tried 420 Yoga with Randi down in Redondo Beach. I was not sure what to expect but I figured weed and yoga couldn’t be a bad combination!
After a scheduling mishap with my sister, I was all prepared to go by myself but Mr. came with me. He’s so great!

So let’s go back.
You have to be 21 and up with a current recommendation or CA ID. The class is $10 and runs from 2:30pm to about 3:45pm. If you do not have a yoga mat, you can use one of hers for an additional $2.50. Did I mention, the $10 includes a pre-roll!!!! WINNING!!!

After we arrived and met Randi and the other students, we all got comfortable and sparked up! LOL Small talk for about 5 min while smoking and then it was time to begin.

Now, this is a restorative yoga class. A restorative yoga sequence typically involves only five or six poses, supported by props that allow you to completely relax and rest. Held for up to five minutes, restorative poses include light twists, seated forward folds, and gentle backbends.

The sounds of the waves crashing onto the beach, the wind, the sun, in the distance you could hear the faint sounds of people walking on the bike path in one direction and people playing in the water in the other, all enhanced by the weed smoked just a few minutes prior.
Randi also had calming music playing softly in the background while she guided us through each position.
Relaxing wasn’t even the word to use for it.

Once it was all over, I felt good. My body was able to really relax and get in a stretch that it desperately needed.

I will be going back. The next class is on October 8 at 2:30pm You can look up Randi on Instagram @yogamama420

You can look up Randi on Instagram @yogamama420